So, Monica H. has been writing about feeling she has to censor herself when writing her posts, and I feel the same way. However, I’m not going to censor myself on this one. This one will be how I truly feel. So, here goes.
As I write this it is 5:00 in the morning and I have been up since 3:30 with Corban. Before that, it was up with him every 2 hours starting at 9pm. This has been going on every night for a while now. As I write this, he is in his crib crying and now hiccuping. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so tired and frustrated. I did something this morning that I’m not very happy about. When he woke up at 3:30, I went in, put him on the boob and got him to go back to sleep. I laid him down and by the time I got to my bed and laid down, he was once again screaming his head off. This was the 2nd time this has happened during the night (that’s his new thing now -wake up, feed him, put him down asleep, get to my room, he starts crying). So, I screamed at the top of my lungs to SHUT UP. Now, this wasn’t in Corban’s room, but in my room across the house. I have all this frustration built up. Not to mention I am so completely exhausted. Yes, I felt really bad after I screamed, but I really did feel a little better. Does it make me a bad mother that I did this? I don’t think so. I didn’t mean any harm to Corban by doing so, just needed a release of some sorts. If Eric were home, I wouldn’t have been able to do it because he would have called me crazy or something like that. Since he’s been gone, I’ve also been doing alot of crying in the middle of the night as well. Again, if Eric were here he would have told me that I was crazy or something like that. Yes, he’s said it before. He doesn’t understand what it means to be sleep deprived. He’s not the one that gets up with Corban every 2 hours at night. And taking a nap during the day just doesn’t cut it. All the other mom’s out there will feel my pain on that one. Sometimes, taking a nap only makes it worse.
I have questioned God so much in the past few days. Why, when I have suffered so much by losing one baby, does it have to be so difficult with the one that I do have. Is God trying to teach me patience? Well, if so, mine is wearing thin. Will I never get a break before I feel like I have completely lost my mind? Am I supposed to just let my son scream in his crib all night long? I’ve tried it and trust me, he’s not a self soother. He can scream and cry for hours on end. Should I switch to giving him formula at night before bedtime? Would this help? And if doing so, does that make me a bad mother to give him something other than breastmilk?
I love Corban with all my heart and only want what is best for both of us. I know that he is miserable as well. After having nights like the ones that we have had, you can tell he is so tired the next day. He has dark circles under his eyes and is very cranky. When is his brain supposed to rest and comprehend if he can’t sleep at night. Will we never be happy and well rested again?
Not being a mother, I can’t really say I can put myself in your shoes. I wish I was there with you or even closer to you to help out. We all need some form of release for our frustrations. If we bottle them up and keep them in it only makes it worse.
Never feel you have to censor your posts, this is your blog and it’s for your feelings and experiences. I find myself doing the same thing on mine so I’m a fine one to be saying not to censor your posts when i do the same thing sometimes.
And for the record, you’re an awesome mother. I don’t know anyone who knows you would think otherwise.
I love you!
Donna
It’s hard- not censoring your posts. I would say the same thing for parenting, but I’d just be guessing. I’m proud of you for saying what you have on your mind and not holding back. It takes courage and in the end you feel just a bit better.
I don’t think you’re a bad mother for screaming “shut up”.I’m sure other mothers have said worse, but they’d never admit it. You did. The frustration builds up and you needed a release. I used to think God punished me too, for different things (that’s a post for a different day).
If you need to supplement with breast milk, try it. Talk to your pediatrician abou tyour concerns. I DO NOT thinkyou’re a bad mother for that. You’re trying to do what’s best for Corban, right? I don’t know if it would help him sleep any better, you’d have to turn to other mothers for that one.
Hang in there. I know it’s tough and you want to pull your hair out, but scream all you want and call me if there’s anything I can help you with. I also know you don’t ask for help very often either, so please take me up on my offer if you need anything. Just email me if that helps, I’ll come over and help if I can.
((HUGS))
I’m so sorry you’re having to go thru this. I wish there was something I could do to help you. You’re a wonderful mother. Never doubt that. I’ve screamed in a pillow a few times.
Maybe it’s time Corban had a little more for his tummy, like a little cereal. (If you’re not already doing this.) It’s tough sometimes being a mom, especially when they’re so young and can’t tell you what they need.
I love you. I will keep you in my prayers. That’s really all I can do is just pray and I will do that.
I did something similar when Justin was a baby. Cameron wakes up about 3 times a night to eat and when he doesn’t, I’m in pain. I would suggest you pump a bottle of milk for Eric to give to Corban when he’s home. That would help a little and give you the option to still feed him your milk, but let someone else feed him. We our introducing bottles to Cameron to prepare him for me returning to work. If you don’t have a pump, it is really easy to hand pump 4 ozs or so. I have an electric pump, but sometimes it’s just easier to do it with my hand (that sounds really bad). Email me if you need help on that technique. He might just be going through a phase where he needs your touch constantly. Try cosleeping again (especially if Eric’s out of town), that eases the waking period on both you and Corban.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Ethan has had some rough phases too, waking up every couple of hours. I was getting exhausted too. Miserably exhausted.If you can pump or supplement w/ formula so Eric can help out, I would. I wish we had try to do that more often. Ethan is such a mama’s boy in that sense. He’s 9 months & has probably only had a handful of formula bottles.
Call or email if you need to talk.
I love you and I UNDERSTAND completely! Please call me ANYTIME… you know I don’t sleep… what’s that.
hahaha I can relate to the frustration levels, the questions, the fears, the FRUSTRATION.. wait, did I type that already? Just call me or text me. We can talk anytime… I’m there with you kid! My 3 drive me nuts! I LOVE THEM TO PIECES, but sometimes…. just call me! 
LYMI!