If anyone reading this doesn’t know by now, I lost Logan Matthew Ferguson on Wednesday, October 25th, 2006. It hurts.

I guess the whole miscarriage started the Friday before. Eric and I were going to Louisiana for a family reunion. I had been bleeding and hurting, but I didn’t want to tell Eric. I finally did. I ended up calling the doctor’s office about it. Unfortunately, my doctor was out of the state and they were going to page the on-call doctor. We had pulled up in the parking lot of a hospital outside of Tyler, but decided to keep driving until the doctor called me back. He never did. Eric called his brother, Richard, and had him look up online the nearest hospital that was covered under his insurance. He found that the one in Longview was the closest. So, we headed over there to the Emergency Room. As soon as we got out of the truck, the doctor called me back. We considered this a “sign” and hopped back in to take the call. He said that with me being 19 weeks, he wasn’t concerned at all. He said that the cramps were my muscles stretching and the bleeding was nothing to be worried about. He said that if it got worse, to call back. So, we continued on. I was OK on Saturday with just minor cramping and the bleeding had slowed down some. We drove home to Austin on Sunday.

Eric had to go to Vegas on Monday for work. I was kinda feeling crappy all day on Monday. That night, I started bleeding more and the cramps were very painful. I asked Richard, who is living with us now, to drive me to the Emergency Room. By the way, this is my first time EVER in a hospital. They took my blood, did an ultrasound and a vaginal exam to make sure my cervix was still closed. All was well, according to them. They said the same thing about the cramps…round ligament stretching. And they had no explanation for the bleeding. They sent me home and put me on bed rest for a couple of days.

I called the doctor’s office the next day (Tuesday) as instructed. His nurse said that if I continue to hurt and bleed, to call her and come in. I was fine that day as I laid in bed. It’s funny, I look back at everything that happened and realized that I was only sick at night. During the day my bleeding let up and so did my cramps. It’s strange. Anyway, Tuesday night I started hurting and bleeding again. To me, I was OK since the hospital said everything was fine. I had talked to Eric that morning and he wanted to come home. I told him no, to stay and work, everything was fine. At about 3:30ish in the morning, I realized everything wasn’t fine. I started hurting worse and the bleeding started being heavier. I was popping Tylenol and it wasn’t helping. The cramps hurt so bad, I started throwing up until I had nothing left. . I called Eric and told him to come home, that I was sure the doctor was going to put me in the hospital (I thought I could make it till the doctor’s office opened). I would get up out of bed, be sick, clean myself up and then get back in bed and maybe dose 15 minutes or so until the next wave of cramps started. As the cramps grew stronger, I realized that something wasn’t right. I could hardly stay out of the bathroom I was bleeding so much. I tried to get up to go get Richard, but I just couldn’t. Every time I moved, I hurt.

There came a point when the cramps became excruciating. It felt like someone was taking a dull knife and raking it against my belly from the inside. I was sitting on the toilet and I had this feeling. It’s very hard to describe, but it’s like I could feel myself opening up. I reached between my legs and felt the baby’s head. I think this is where I started going in to shock. I held my hand between my legs and ran into the other bedroom screaming at Richard to call 911. I then proceeded to make my way back into our bedroom and just couldn’t hold the baby in any longer. The baby, still in the whole sac, slid down my leg onto the floor…right inside our doorway. There was so much blood and tissue. The last thing I remember clearly is the baby moving its’ arm back and forth 3 times. After that, I couldn’t look anymore. I’m not one to say what happened after this. I know that Richard called 911 and then called Eric and handed me the phone. I was pretty much in shock and out of it and don’t remember much. All that happened was like a dream. I do know that if Richard had not been there, I probably would have died, too. I will never be able to thank him enough for what he did and for staying strong the whole time. I owe him my life.

You may be wondering why I keep saying the baby. You see, we didn’t know that Logan was a boy. The miscarriage happened on Wednesday and we were scheduled for an ultrasound on Friday to find out the sex. At the hospital, I insisted on waiting for Eric to get there before seeing the baby and finding out the sex. When we finally had them bring in the baby, I was afraid to pick the baby up. So, Eric was the one to first hold him and un-wrap him. Much to my surprise, it was a boy. I thought for sure I was having a girl….he fooled me! Logan was PERFECT. He looked just like his daddy. Same chin, same long legs, same long toes. It was really hard for me to see this little baby that was supposed to still be inside. I let Eric hold him a lot since he never got to feel Logan move and I carried him inside me for 5 months and felt him move all the time. He really moved whenever he heard Praise & Worship music…no lie. He would go crazy in church when everyone was singing or when we played it in the truck.

We buried him on Sunday, October 29th. It’s hard right now for me to write down how I feel as my emotions are on a roller-coaster. Maybe writing about my feelings will come in the future. I feel, right now, that I had to explain what happened from my perspective.