So, tomorrow “we” go to the Dr. for the first visit and Ultrasound. I’m very nervous, yet kind of excited at the same time. Notice I said “kind of” excited. It’s very hard for me to be happy about this pregnancy. Women who have lost babies will understand where I’m coming from. How can I be excited when I’m not certain that I will carry this baby to full term and it be healthy and living? With every little cramp or even the slightest hint of blood, I come unglued. There was no explanation of why I lost Logan, so there is nothing that I can do to ensure that this baby makes it. Sometimes, life is just unfair.

Eric gets so mad at me when I talk like this. He does not want me to stress and wants me to think positive. The other day, when my hormones were raging, I told him to let me express my feelings. I have every right to feel how I do. I also told him he wasn’t there when I lost Logan, so he doesn’t really know how I feel. I know, this was a low blow, but, he wasn’t there. He didn’t see or hear the whole ordeal that I went through. When I think of possibly having to endure that again, I break-down. Just let me express my feelings and cope with it. I’m not sure that there will ever be a point in this pregnancy that I will be able to relax. I think that will only happen when I hold the baby in my arms and he/she is alive and well.

One of the things I hate the most is this: After we found out I was pregnant, we went to visit Logan and tell him. While there, all I could think about was to look around his grave and see if there were available plots beside/around his……just in case I didn’t have this baby. No woman in this world should have to think that. I should not have to think about that. I do believe that this was a natural reaction to what has happened to me. I don’t think I’m sick or demented. I’ve buried one baby, I might have to bury another. This was not a thought I told Eric about, so I’m sure when he reads this, he’ll be upset. All I can say is Sorry, Sweetie. But, until men can carry children in their wombs’, I don’t think they will truly understand.

So, sorry for the rambling. This is my first blog to write while pregnant and I’m tired. Now I’m going to take a bath. No, not a hot bath – I know you’re not supposed to take hot baths when pregnant. But, will this really effect me in a negative way? My percentage on having another miscarriage is already high. I need to relax. Besides, Eric is coming home tonight and I have to smell good & shave my legs. For him AND the Dr.!

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