Once again, another plane ride home from another business trip.  This time it will be for more than the usual 36 hour weekend.  I’m taking Thursday and Friday off and won’t be heading back out of town until Sunday afternoon.  The nice part of it is that this next trip will be my last one.  After that, it’s home-based for me.  I’ll be able to take care of Lori as she progresses into the second half of her pregnancy. 

I’ve been sitting here on the plane thinking about how extremely excited I am to see Lori.  I feel like I’ve been gone forever, when in actuality, it’s only been a few days.  I feel the sort of giddiness inside me that a little kid feels when they know that they’re about to get a really cool present for their birthday.  I miss Lori terribly.  I can’t wait to hold her in my arms while I tell her how much I love her and have missed her. 

The excitement shares part of my heart with the trepidation of what tomorrow holds in store for us.  October 25, 2006 is the day that Logan left us.  Well, he never truly left us, but you know what I mean.  It was a day marked with extreme sadness, grief, helplessness and emptiness.  So many people in my life lost something that day.  Lori and I lost our son.  My brothers lost their nephew.  My mom lost her grandson.  So did Lori’s parents.  It left us all feeling so empty inside, especially Lori.  It hurt me so bad knowing what she went through and knowing that it happened while I was out of town.  I kept wishing that I could take away her horrible pain.  I still do. 

It seemed like the days took so long to pass after we lost Logan.  Each day seemed like it hurt more than the next.  There were so many tears, unanswered questions and some doubts in the faith that we had.  It was such a difficult thing to go through, not knowing how we would make it from one day to the next.  Time heals though, and it did for us.  Time didn’t take all of the sorrow away, but it did quell the overwhelming sadness that seemed to surround us for the weeks and months that followed that tragic day. 

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Logan.  The same goes for Lori.  I don’t think that a day will ever go by that we don’t start by thinking about him and end by thinking about him.  Time seemed to go by so slow yet here we are one year later.  One long, yet brief year later.  I’m not sure exactly what are going to do on his birthday, but I’m sure that it will be emotional for us.  I do know that we will go to his gravesite and think about how much our lives have changed in a year.  A ton of emotions have become a part of our lives that we never thought we would have to contend with.  To add to those emotions, we are now pregnant again with another baby boy.  Another blessing from God.  Another chance at parenthood.  Another tiny life that has so much impact on us that’s it sometimes hard to understand.  How is it that children can do that to you?  It’s amazing how much love you can feel for your own children, even those that you never had the chance to raise. 

I know that tomorrow will be a somber day for us, but I will make sure that I take time to sit back and thank God for blessing us with another opportunity to give birth.  I think about those couples who can’t have kids and I realize that even though we’ve been through the grief of losing a child, at least we are blessed enough to have the chances that we do to have our own.  I won’t let our loss take from the excitement that I have for our new son.  And conversely, I won’t let the excitement of this pregnancy keep me from remembering the first son that Lori and I have.  Logan will always be our first child and he will never be forgotten.  Our children will always know who their older brother is.  Our lives will be forever changed because of what we went through.  We are stronger now because of it, even though at times it seems like we are so weak.  This is a time that Lori and I must lean on each other and help each other with the wide range of emotions that we’ll be going through.  This is our family.  This is what families do.

I love my wife with all that I am.  I still sometimes wonder how I ended up lucky enough to have someone that loves me like she does and wants to have my kids as much as she does.  She amazes me with her charm, her wit, her beautiful smile and her infectious laugh.  She’s going to be an incredible mother.  I can’t wait to see how much our lives are going to change once this baby is born.  We have both been through a tremendous loss and we’re about to embark on a remarkable journey together.  It’s actually already started, but the best is yet to come.  We will have each other, our children and most of all, we’ll always have Logan with us.  I wonder if he knows how much of an impact he has had on our lives during this past year.  I wonder if he knows how loved he is and how much we miss him.  I wonder what our lives would be like if he was still with us.  Since he isn’t, I’ll just have to find comfort in knowing that I’m sure that he would want us to be happy and that he would want a little brother or sister.  We’re having a boy now Logan.  I pray that you’ll be his guardian angel.  I promise you that he will grow up knowing that you’re watching over him.  I promise you that we will never forget you!

One year later, we have another chance of being parents of a live baby.  I have faith that this time our prayers will be answered and God will bless us with a healthy baby. 

Advertisements