I’m not sure what is going on with me lately, but the closer I get to Corban’s birth, the more I think about Logan.  Is it hormones or what?

 Yesterday afternoon, my feet were swollen so bad that it hurt to even walk.  On top of that, I had to drive home for almost an hour in stop & go traffic (I drive a standard).  Once I got home, I changed clothes, laid down on the couch and propped my feet up.  Eric and Penny were at the dog park so I had the apartment to myself.  No TV on, no music playing – just peace and quiet.  As I laid there, I couldn’t help but think about Logan.  I was recalling everything.  From being in labor, to giving birth to him at home, to seeing him wave his little arm as if in goodbye.  Then I remembered leaving the hospital.  No one was thinking about it and they led me right by the nursery on the way out.  Luckily, Father Amy was right by my side and she caught me before I hit the floor.  She is really strong for such a small lady!

Sometimes I feel like I won’t have enough love for Corban.  I feel that I have given all my love to my first son who I held inside of me for 19 1/2 weeks and only got to hold in my arms in death.  I know this isn’t true because parents can have multiple children and love each of them the same.  Right now, I just doubt myself.  See, I can’t even type this without crying.  Sometimes I just wish I could forget about what happened, then I feel guilty because that would mean that I wouldn’t remember Logan.  But, I think (hope) that is a natural reaction in women who have lost babies.

For now, I am just going to keep on praying that God will give me the strength to make it through each day.  I will keep remembering Logan all the time.  I will just have to wait and see how I handle having another son.  People say that it is an instant reaction – the love you feel when you first hold your new baby.  It was that way with Logan and I hope it is the same with Corban.

P.S.  I would like to give a shout out to Reef Kaiolohia Birchard.  He would have celebrated his 1 year birthday today.  Reef, you are missed and loved by everyone….especially your Mom.  Happy Birthday buddy!!

Advertisements