So, Monica H. has been writing about feeling she has to censor herself when writing her posts, and I feel the same way. However, I’m not going to censor myself on this one. This one will be how I truly feel. So, here goes.

As I write this it is 5:00 in the morning and I have been up since 3:30 with Corban. Before that, it was up with him every 2 hours starting at 9pm. This has been going on every night for a while now. As I write this, he is in his crib crying and now hiccuping. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so tired and frustrated. I did something this morning that I’m not very happy about. When he woke up at 3:30, I went in, put him on the boob and got him to go back to sleep. I laid him down and by the time I got to my bed and laid down, he was once again screaming his head off. This was the 2nd time this has happened during the night (that’s his new thing now -wake up, feed him, put him down asleep, get to my room, he starts crying). So, I screamed at the top of my lungs to SHUT UP. Now, this wasn’t in Corban’s room, but in my room across the house. I have all this frustration built up. Not to mention I am so completely exhausted. Yes, I felt really bad after I screamed, but I really did feel a little better. Does it make me a bad mother that I did this? I don’t think so. I didn’t mean any harm to Corban by doing so, just needed a release of some sorts. If Eric were home, I wouldn’t have been able to do it because he would have called me crazy or something like that. Since he’s been gone, I’ve also been doing alot of crying in the middle of the night as well. Again, if Eric were here he would have told me that I was crazy or something like that. Yes, he’s said it before. He doesn’t understand what it means to be sleep deprived. He’s not the one that gets up with Corban every 2 hours at night. And taking a nap during the day just doesn’t cut it. All the other mom’s out there will feel my pain on that one. Sometimes, taking a nap only makes it worse.

I have questioned God so much in the past few days. Why, when I have suffered so much by losing one baby, does it have to be so difficult with the one that I do have. Is God trying to teach me patience? Well, if so, mine is wearing thin. Will I never get a break before I feel like I have completely lost my mind? Am I supposed to just let my son scream in his crib all night long? I’ve tried it and trust me, he’s not a self soother. He can scream and cry for hours on end. Should I switch to giving him formula at night before bedtime? Would this help? And if doing so, does that make me a bad mother to give him something other than breastmilk?

I love Corban with all my heart and only want what is best for both of us. I know that he is miserable as well. After having nights like the ones that we have had, you can tell he is so tired the next day. He has dark circles under his eyes and is very cranky. When is his brain supposed to rest and comprehend if he can’t sleep at night. Will we never be happy and well rested again?

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