Of Jack and Monica and Sam today on what would have been Jack’s 3rd birthday.

Happy birthday little one.  You are missed and will always be loved.

So small am I,
In a universe so vast.
So large my loss:
My mourning eases but still will last.

Under the stars
On our own small world
I know that others share my pain.
Love’s cruel cost–
Black holes within hearts
Where parental dreams once had been.

Peace finds me
In the stillness,
Surrounded high and low by a million suns.
God appears in the large and the little–
In the universal order
And in the grace that comes

From fellow mourners and understanding friends
Who walk with me through grief that dims, but never really ends

…..Elizabeth A. Pector

It’s about time for me to get back to the blogging once again.  I’ve got a bunch to catch up on, so I’ll do it in installments.  Today, I’ll talk about the new baby that we have on the way.  Yes, for those of you who have been living under a rock for the past couple of months, Lori and I are expecting another baby, due around July 20th – of this year, of course.  This will be our third baby.  One angel, Logan, one toddler, Corban and now another one on its way.  This will be our last baby.  One has been a handful (a good handful) and I’m sure two will be even trickier.  But, we are just blessed to be able to have the chance to try again.  We’re just praying for a successful pregnancy like the last one.

Things are going to be much different this time around in more ways that one.  First of all, we’re opting for the birthing center route.  We found a birthing center in Austin called the Austin Area Birthing Center. For those of you not familiar with what a birthing center offers, how I have described it to my friends is that it’s like a bed and breakfast for having babies.  The atmosphere is like a home atmosphere, as opposed to the sterile, clinical feel of a hospital.  You can check out the link to this place and see what it looks like.  They have 5 midwives who are all licensed nurses.  As we go to each of our monthly prenatal visits, we meet with each of the midwives so that we can get to know them all a little better.  The visits are much more relaxed and not rushed at all.  It really does seem like they are there to make you feel as comfortable as humanly possible throughout the entire process.  The 2 midwives that we have met so far have both impressed us alot!  And the place has a full kitchen.  So we can take food up there to store or to cook if the labor seems to be taking a while.  Oh, and assuming all goes well, we”ll leave the same day after having the baby.  They say that so long as there aren’t any problems, there’s no reason for a new family to not be at home with their new baby.  I agree!!  I hated that we had to be at the hospital as long as we did.  I mean, it was good for the first baby because they had lots of good pointers and whatnot, but we don’t need that this time around.

Another difference with this one vs. the last birth is that I am (hopefully) going to take a more active role in the delivery.  I have asked for and gotten permission from the birthing center to help with the physical delivery of the baby, assuming all goes well.  The midwife that will be assisting us will deliver the head and the shoulders, since they are the most difficult, and from that point on, it’ll hopefully be me delivering the rest of the baby.  I know, some people freak out about that, but not me.  I have always been so completely in awe of  the whole pregnancy and birthing process that this will be right up my alley.  I can’t wait!  I can’t think of anything more amazing that to be that involved, with my wife, in bringing our new child into the world.  The midwife that we spoke to at our last visit recommended a book called Ina Mays Guide to Childbirth that I have coming in the mail.  It’s supposed to be THE guide to the whole birthing process.  She said that it should do a pretty good job at preparing me for my new role as delivery dad!

Finally, I am convinced that this baby is going to be a girl.  Lori has been trying to deny that, but the other day, she conceded that she thinks that she’s carrying this one higher.  Not that we’re giving into old wives tales, but with the first two pregnancies with the boys, she carried them low.  We’ll see who the correct person is.  We’ll have our sonogram in March that should be able to determine the gender.  We’re going to have them not tell us, but write it down in a card that we’ll then take to a baker.  We’ll instruct them to look at the card and depending on if it’s a boy or a girl, they’ll tint the inner part of the cake either blue or pink.  That sonogram should be around the time of Lori’s birthday so for her birthday cake, we’ll use the gender cake.  With friends and family over, Lori will cut into the cake and we’ll all find out at the same time what the gender is going to be.  Pretty cool idea huh? I think Lori’s cousin or someone she knows had that idea and we stole it.  Nothing wrong with that!

Sixteen weeks down, 24 more to go.  Seems like a long time to go, but the weeks are flying by.  I know that the delivery day is going to be here before we know it.

So, I’m pregnant again.  Baby #3.  Hence the nickname for this baby is B3.

I hate when people ask me if this is my first child (when Corban is not with me) or if it’s my second (when he is).  I’m always honest and say that this is my 3rd.  Of course, the nosy people then ask how old my other child is.  I always respond with the truth.  I lost my first son when I was 20 weeks pregnant.  Most look at me like they can’t believe I shared this information with them.  Some understand.

Me, I hate that I have to answer with the truth and that the truth ever happened.  It never gets easier.

Man, I have been so neglectful of this site. I miss blogging. Life has had me running lately.

Now, however, I have my own computer soon to be set up somewhere other than the office. So, I will be able to access the internet during the day! Woo Hoo!!!! I hope to catch up on the blogging – Corban willing!

So stay tuned friends. Hopefully I will catch you up on what has been going on in our lives.

And, Monica, I am so sorry that we haven’t gone to lunch yet. I owe you big time!!

Lately I feel like a horrible mother. I have had flowers to take out to Logan that I purchased over a month ago, but I can’t seem to bring myself out there. Why? What gives? I feel terrible and I internally beat myself up about it.

I miss him dearly and wish he was here with me. It seems the name Logan is really popular now. I hear it all the time and each time my throat lumps up.

So, if I miss him so much, why can’t I bring myself to go visit him?

Well, I went for my mammogram last week. When they found out I was still breastfeeding, they opted to try just the sonogram first.

So, I was taken into this room and had my boob pressed with warm gel and the sonogram wand. The tech looked for like 15 minutes but couldn’t find a lump anywhere. So, off to the mammogram after all.

I stood, holding my breath as I watched the nurse spread my right boob across the plate. Then the clear top plate came down and my boob started to flatten out! I kept waiting for the pain to come, but it never did. She said I was probably feeling some discomfort, but I wasn’t. And let me tell you, my boob was HUGE and FLAT!! Crazy! So, it was pressed from the top then from the sides. Then it was the left one’s turn. Again, no pain or discomfort. I was relieved. She said it was because I have good breast tissue.

As I sat in the waiting room for the thumbs up that the xrays were OK, I contemplated what would happen if I did have breast cancer. So much ran through my mind. It’s crazy how you’re imagination can run away from you. I decided that I would be OK if I had to loose them. Better that than go through chemo.

So, I was finally told that everything looked good and I wouldn’t have to take any more “closeups”! Now, just go home and wait for my letter and a call from the doctor.

Received my letter in the mail. Great news! No cancer or anything. My doctor’s office called today and said they couldn’t find even the smallest lump. Of course, I have to go back in to his office for another check (drives me crazy), but I’m in the clear!

Thank you, Lord, for giving me great results! I really needed a freebie after going through what I have.

I haven’t blogged in a long time, but I’ve been carrying something on my shoulders and I need to get it off.

I went for my yearly exam (which is really never fun) and my doctor found a lump in my right breast. He asked me, “Did you not feel this?”. Well, no I didn’t. I am still breastfeeding and only out of that boob, so it’s lumpy all the time. However, when he found it and made me feel, I could definitely tell it was different from the normal “breastfeeding lumpiness”.

So, now I have to get a mammogram. It sucks. I’m so worried about it. People are telling me, Oh maybe it will be nothing. Keep thinking positive. It’s probably just a cyst. Well, maybe and maybe. But that still doesn’t stop the wondering or worrying. Even if the results come back as negative, I will now always be checking myself for another lump. Will I have to go every time and get my boobs smashed (something I’m really not looking forward to)?

It’s funny. All my life I’ve complained about having big boobs. Now that there is a possibility they could be taken away, I want them. I now have to drastically wean Corban because you are not supposed to breastfeed for 2 days after a mammogram. This is something I wanted to do slowly so as to cause as little fussing as possible, but now it has to be done quickly. So, on top of being stressed about possible results, I’m going to have one cranky kid to deal with.

If you are the praying type, say a prayer for me and my sanity. I will post the results when I get them – good or bad.